K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
