my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
