If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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