saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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