I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
