I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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