I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
