yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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