you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
