got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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