$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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