No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize