yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
