Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
