I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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