i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize