Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
