Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
