I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
