So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
