I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
