She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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