i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
