You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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