i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize