My hand turned me down
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize