I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
