I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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