Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
