Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
