Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
