I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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