He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize