My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
