Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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