I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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