Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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