Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think I won the penis lottery.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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