I hate your face
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
