I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Every concussion has its silver lining
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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