I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
