I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
