Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have tasted many bathrooms
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
