We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
