I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
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