Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
