peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
