His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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