someone get that fucking seahorse.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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