I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
