so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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