I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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