glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize