I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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