i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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