she looked like the before picture.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
