I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
