im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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