i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
being pregnant is like rehab
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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