Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
